Today, we share a look at some of the fun that goes on inside SERMO, with a Game of Thrones meets 2016 election parody! If you’re an M.D. or D.O. in the US or UK, please join us inside SERMO.
Winter is coming!
WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!
In A Storm of Consultants, the long-awaited sequel to a Song of Bull and S***, the War of One Queen And A Buttload of Kings, the epic struggle to succeed Hussein the Usurper – First And Last Of His Name Because His Name Is Frickin’ Hussein and sit behind the Iron Desk in the Great Oval of the White Keep and rule the 50 kingdoms, continues.
Despite being vilified by her opponents as “Scandalborn”, Hillerys Rodgaryan, Grandmother of Clintons, has defiantly forged into the Primary Kingdom of Iowesteros to begin the great challenge to restore her dynasty while also keeping her dragon, Billgon, who is easily distracted by young maidens, on his leash. The great flocks of ravens released by the heralds following her caravan, carrying news of what she eats to all corners of the land, often block out the sun.
Jebannis Bushratheon rallies his troops with the war cry of “OK, my brother actuallywas an idiot, but I’m the smart one!” but his triumph is short lived when the ward he had nurtured turns on him. In the Vale of Miami, young Marcin Arrynio cries “I’m the future, old man – and my name ends in an “o”!” and shoots Jebannis with a withering Tweet.
Marcin’s triumph is also short-lived, though, when, while reaching for a goblet of water, he falls through the Meme Door.
Jebannis is then resurrected by the priests of the Gold God, who stuff his corpse with coins while chanting (in the ancient tongue of the First Bankers) “fayhv-oh-won-cee-for”. He rises again as Jeb Stonebush, sworn protector of the Gold God’s followers and now ultimately invincible against all the other kings despite being both unpopular and actually dead.
A great religious revival is also stirring as Melitedre calls forth the faithful to support him in burning the government.
Out on the Libraki steppes, Khal Rando, once considered a formidable adversary, has begun to ride in self-contradictory circles and is demanding that all women stop speaking when he enters the yurt.
Bencar, once a respected maester, has been bewitched into believing the delusion that he will one day rule. His rantings do, however, amuse Lord Rupert Murdjoy, who has taken him into his household as his favorite fool, replacing Ser Donaltos who used to scamper through the keep writing his name on every object he saw.
Scoose Walkton, obsequiously loyal bannerman of House Kochagne, having suppressed the guilds among the Cheeseheads (the remarkably polite wildlings of his northern holdings), had turned his ambitions to the Great Oval with much fanfare but after a debacle in which he was unable to tell a convocation of tutors from an attacking army he is now rarely seen except safely among followers recruited by his Kochagne lieges. In return for his long dog-like fealty to them they have also provided him with thick golden armor. Unbeknownst to him, though, they plan to drop him like a hot dragon’s egg off a funeral pyre for Stonebush if he fails to amass sufficient victories in the Primary Kingdoms.
Ser Chris Sludge, Bastard of Jersey, once thought the most powerful adversary that Hillerys would face, was never actually able to raise an army. His proclamation to eat the elderly failed to get him followers and he has slunk back to the fetid swamps of his homeland and is rumored to now be working as a bridge toll-taker, starved down to the size of merely three men.
Lady Lysandsey continues to declare that she will seek the Great Oval but few in the land consider this a serious matter. Although well known, along with her lover, Ser John the Codger, for her relentless bellicosity, she is known to be very high strung and has recently become suspect of suffering from actual madness because of her increasing fits of hysteria. Rumors abound that she keeps a fainting couch in her War Council chamber.
Carlsei, once mistress of the Silicon Islands until she was deposed by her Small Council for bankrupting the realm, struck for the Oval four years past and no one noticed. She says she will now do so again. No one notices now either.
Despite repeated pleas of emissaries from many kingdoms to enter the fray, Elizajon Snowarren remains in voluntary exile, yet many now believe that she is a warg as Hillerys has begun to loudly speak in her voice.
As the Red Debates near, House Murdjoy sends out lackeys to agitate the White Walkers – that is to say, most of them are white and a lot of them are on walkers – rallying them to its banner bearing the stigil of the blind fox.
Meanwhile, in the true seats of power, strings are being pulled…
Ser Charles (“The Fracked Mountain”) and Ser David (“The Top-Removed Mountain”) of House Kochgane (stigil: drowned polar bear; words: “Winter is coming is a hoax”) have raised a massive mercenary army, The Unpolluted (Because That’s A Hoax Too), to throw into any battle they want to shift to their own ends.
Lord Sheltyr Adelish promises unlimited wealth to any contender who will make him both the Hand In The Pocket, freeing his gambling houses from taxation, and Master Of War Against Anyone I Don’t Like. Riding about in his gilded cart pulled by Jazzy the goat, the gnome-like Adelish was once dismissed as a source of humor for jesters. Then, last year, while fawning over him, Sludge accidentally uttered a phrase that offended him. Sludge immediately fell to his knees to beg forgiveness and Adelish spared his life, but only as an example of what happens to those who do not please him. Now, even those like Melitedre, whose claim to the Oval is a restoration of viceless sanctity to the land, and Rando, who had pledged not to war outside the kingdoms, flock to Venetianhal, Adelish’s great keep in the Cultural Waste, to dance for him. Only Stonebush, who is now funded beyond even Adelish’s reach, dares to stay away.
Meanwhile, behind The Wall Of Street, guarded by the brothers of The Dow Watch (bankers who, rather than being thrown into dungeons for misdeeds, “take the green” and so instead receive huge grants of wealth) Tylloyd Blankfannister chuckles that “The taxpayers will always pay our debts”.